driving

With the general overcrowding on our road everyday I decided to write a list of actions or behaviours I see regularly that make me see red

a. People who sit in the middle lane, quite oblivious to my presence behind them, approaching at a faster speed, they will sit all day at 60 mph not looking in their mirrors, the inside lane will by empty for miles ahead. If I flash them to request they move over I get shown the finger or some such motif. Most people I talk to hate middle lane hogging, so who are the people doing it, and why ?

b. I will be overtaking in the outside lane at lets say 80 to 85 mph, some one will come right up behind me and tail gate, shall I drive under the wagon on my left or over the central reservation, don't be surprised when your actions actually slow me down, had you not come up so damn close I would have pulled in as soon as I pass the wagon.

c. Dual carriageway lane switching to filter right. Your junction is 2 miles ahead, best move over into the right hand lane at 40 mph now, just in case it comes up earlier by surprise. Get very frustrated when you are getting undertaken by those louts you caused to stand on their brakes.

d. Don't drive and phone, you know who you are, idiots and in some cases murderers !

e. Why is it, if you are looking for a turning, or a house or maybe a parking space there is always a queue of traffic behind, so you cannot stop, or if you find a space the driver behind is so close you cannot back up into it.

f. If you let some one out, they will 100% of the time stop you within 100 yds to turn off, why is this?

g. I have noticed more and more bad driving from younger women, 26 and under in small warm hatches driving like 17 year old men, faster faster faster, what do they have to prove. It seems they must always overtake me, I am no slow driver by any means, I see this as a developing problem that will get worse, but may have the effect of evening out the insurance inequality of sexes.

h. Sundays

i. Lets go out for a drive mentality, driving around the countryside slowing down to view things, not considering the people behind may actually be on their way somewhere, or may like to drive a little quicker than 30mph on a derestricted road.

j. Women that push a pram into the road to stop the traffic, very sick behaviour.

k. Driving at more than 20mph in built up areas or around schools. Drivers will slide past schools at 40 mph, is it so important to scrape 30 seconds from your journey.

l. Racing me off the lights. So I drive a fast car, so you have your mates in your hot hatch, I do not want to race, I am quite happy thanks.

m. If your bulb has blown change it, now.

n. Check your lights regularly.

o. Your window is not a dustbin.

p. People who sit on their brake pedals at junctions. Ever heard of a handbrake, your brake lights blind me, especially the one in the back window, this is more common than ever, why have people stopped using the handbrake.

q. When did cars entering from the slip road obtain the right of way? This is a new trend and scares the willies of me. An attitude of 'I am indicating so I am pulling onto the carriageway whether you are there or not', I can't count the amount of times I have had to take avoiding action because of this. What happened to change this law?

r. You do not have to do 60 mph because there is a police car on the motorway, the limit is 70mph. What are you scared of ?

s. Does your car look good when you blind the oncoming traffic with your front fog lamps, NO !

t. Is rain the same as fog, NO !

why are more motor boats sold than sailing yachts?

More and more people are finding they have disposable income approaching 50. The kids have gone off to study or work, maybe HMP north of the border . Equity allows massive loans secured on property. More middle management and higher pay bracket than ever, let's not forget the city bonuses. It is no coincidence that the January boatshow is hosted shortly after the city bonuses are announced, funny that! So... What to do with all this lolly.

Lets buy a static caravan in Rhyl. Er no that is for old Scousers. 'Lets buy a boat', 'but we don't know anything about boats darling'. So the family trot to the boat show and start with raggies. Dreams about round the world sailing, swimming with turtles dolphins, scantly clad nymphs awaiting their arrival on tropical beaches.

'What is all this string?' 'I am not climbing into that bed'. 'Look mum the oven swings', as pans clatter onto the floor, the salesman looks on rather condescendingly. 'Quick love wait until you see the bog, look at that plumbing, you will need a trades certificate to use it'. Salesman requests son stops standing on upholstery in a vain attempt to look through post box sized windows to see if that girl is still in the queue.

Dad opens engine box and makes comments regarding his old fizzy having more hp. Lots of banging about as the box will not fit back into place. Mum pulls at straps in kitchen scratching her brow, enlightenment comes when a scruffy arsed couple comment on the design of the galley and how you could still brew up at 30° in a storm. Mum takes a couple of seconds and joins the others now on deck. Scruffy couple are stunned that you have enough room to get up on your elbows while in the aft bunk, they have to apply talc in order to get into theirs.

(Meanwhile on deck)'What are all these strings for Dad', 'why are there 6 of these spinney things'. Son is frantically spinning the big wheel side to side as he battles a force 10 in the Excel Centre. There is a bit of a family feud as they all try to clamber around the wheel at once, daughter has trapped leg in the 1/8 inch clearance allowed between wheel and locker, although on second look it is actually son holding her leg through the cockpit quarter light as he stands on the aft bunk stopping anyone else viewing the boat.

Salesman suggests that maybe they should consider training or even a dinghy first. Dad now decides he is being patronised, he has watched dead calm and this sailing lark looks simple. Off they trot towards the big white fuel guzzlers.

'Wooah look, a paddling platform', this is really easy access, no climbing over guard wires and wheels. 'Look mum! steps going up, like on a ferry, we have to get this one it has steps', 'you know we do have stairs at home don’t you darling'.

They each try every seat in the cockpit, it is looking like a game of musical chairs, 'mum, tell him, I was sat here first'. Visions and dreams have moved on from deserted Islands to St Tropez and other bustling metropolises. The salesman sees the Isle of Wight and Portsmouth. Son is on fly-bridge driving through the crowds like he was driving a formula 1 racer, his sound effects mirror everything including tyre screeches, the 12 year old salesmen are watching and laughing as they wonder how much of their failed student overdrafts will be cleared by these nice people.

Dad is sat at the helm, he pushes his feet about looking for the pedals, smarmy sales rep points out the switch, er, throttle. ‘Where’s the brake then’ says dad trying to show this kid can’t pull the wool over his eyes! No dad says son entering, ‘you just yank the stick fully backwards to stop’. Mum is opening every cupboard in the kitchen, ooohs and ahhhs emanate as she discovers the halogen hob and microwave.

Daughter has been admiring her new nose ring in the enormous bathroom mirror until son fires shower at her as he sneaked in behind. Mum is now running fingers through the plush white carpet, it looks so lovely and clean, boats must be a doddle to keep spick and spam as all the power boats have white carpet. She comments how ‘changing rooms’ the purple seats and leopard skin cushions are. Who would have thought this many gaudy colours would go together, just look at the yellow curtains and purple seats, lovely.

Dad is now pressing every button on the dash, he clicks the ones above his head back and forth, he is playing aircraft pilots. The circuit breaker in the hall is fizzing away until the salesman in the neatest school trousers intervenes and starts switching stuff back off. The fact most of the switches only turn lights on and off is of no consequence, a powerboats quality is measured by how many switches can be reached from the helm. Japanese HiFi designers are brought in especially to add useless switches and indicators to show the temperature of the anchor locker or a funometer dial indicator measuring the helms (drivers) grin as he piles through quiet moorings at full whack.

Now it is crunch time, mum son and daughter sit excited as Dad starts hammering out a deal on the saloon table. Vases and candles moved aside as the glossy brochures are thumbed. Clear blue skies, white teeth and a multitude of size zero teenage girls sunbathe in bikinis on the foredeck of a boat doing 35 knots, no mention regarding the location of hypothermia blankets used after the photo shoot though. Dad makes a quip to the sales-kid that this boat must be safer than those pokey things with sails, as there are no life-rafts, horseshoes or danbuoys. They don’t even have proper handrails.

Mum starts to raise a question about climbing off over the side as she can see outside on the pontoons a scruffy bearded type stepping off the middle of his boat onto the pontoon. Dad shushes her saying he will back in and she can step off the platform. It’s easy!

Dad shakes hands with the kid, he is now putting on his best telephone voice, oh yes we will be in touch once you have finished with the show for a private viewing.

The excited family are anxiously awaiting delivery of their new rib next week. Dad has bought a new atlas and a waterproof cover for his phone. Mum has been buying up the contents of home and bargain and the kids are off getting stoned somewhere.

And that is why there are more MOBO’s at the boatshow.

shopping

I am already not a great fan of the British pastime of shopping, I have list below some of the behaviour's that get my blood boiling.